I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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