Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
