You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Its about making memories worth repressing
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
