Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
