There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
