please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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