I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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