my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
