Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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