dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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