She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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