We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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