i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
