After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Buhtt sex?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
