It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
