I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
