the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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