we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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