I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
