Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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