On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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