It was confusing and full of hummus
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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