I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
