When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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