I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
