Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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