WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
