I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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