you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My ass is underappreciated
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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