bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
