morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
