Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
