I'm so fucking centered right now
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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