i think i have two assholes
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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