HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
