It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
