I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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