I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
