I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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