Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
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dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
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