Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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