last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
