Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
