Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
