I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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