I puked a lego.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
