saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
