By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
