grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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