We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Randomize
