i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
