end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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