I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
