do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
