I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She bit a glass in half.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
