reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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