i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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