and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
