I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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