During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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