hell yes lets make some ravioli
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
