2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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