THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
