Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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