Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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