I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
